Journal Opinion, July 1, 2020
"Shall we marry when we are young and poor, or wait
until we get older and better off? And that is the real question in their minds
when they inquire as to the 'right time to be married.'"
Bradford Opinion, Aug 16, 1876
The questions of whom and when to marry have perplexed young
New Englanders for four centuries. This
column explores marriage stories before the 1960s. Information is from online
sources, local histories, and newspaper archives. I have also included insights gained from
three books I have written on my wife's and my New England ancestors.
The Protestants who settled New England brought wedding
traditions from Europe. Marriage contracts had both a religious and civil
significance. While Puritan marriages were held in connection with religious
services, many others were, by provincial law, performed by magistrates or
justices of the peace. Later, the laws
in both New Hampshire and Vermont added ministers to the list of those who
could solemnize marriages.
The province or state usually demanded a small fee for a
marriage license, as did the officiant.
One poor Warren groom offered a bushel of beans as payment to the
magistrate. In the end, he paid only
half as his new wife kicked him out of bed.
Young men and women were expected to marry. Given the
division of labor between men and women, it was difficult for single
individuals to maintain a household. After
one partner died, remarriage was often immediate. It was not unusual for a
widower to married the sister of his deceased wife.
In the case of second marriages, a "smock wedding"
was sometimes held. The bride, hidden in
a closet and dressed only in a smock, would reach out a hand to accept her new
husband. It was thought that this prevented the man from being responsible for
her debts or those of her previous husband.
Premarital fornication was prohibited and could be cause for
punishment. My 7th great grandfather was
James Ross, a Scottish prisoner of war and an indentured servant in Groton,
MA. In 1657, he received 39 stripes on
his bare back for fornication with Mary Goodenow, daughter of his master. The
punishment was for "shameful abuse and violence toward his master." Within the year, however, they were married and became prominent members
of the community.
The diaries of 18th and 19th-century midwives reveal that
many first-born children came less than nine months after the marriage of their
parents. These early babies, however, suffered no stigma. Bundling was one way New Englanders dealt with
the ardor of young lovers. In need of some privacy, but not too much, the
couple was allowed to lie together, fully clothed, in the same bed, but with a
board dividing their natural appetites.
Early New England marriages were as much about economics as
romance. For many, marriage was like a
business agreement between partners, one of whom might be the father of the
bride. One was expected to marry within
their class and economic situation and with the permission of the bride's
parents. It was expected that wedding
intensions would be published in advance. Sometimes youthful eagerness upset
this expectation.
The following is an
example involving other great grandparents. The wealthy parents of Mary Loker
of Sudbury, MA rejected the suit of Jonas Prescott. Just a blacksmith, he was
not considered suitable for their only daughter. The parents sent her away to a
frontier town 22 miles away. Jonas sought her out and, despite her parents'
refusal to provide a dowry, they were married in November 1672. For the first
years, their household was sparse. But their fortunes changed. Mary lived to see 176 of their
descendants.
Elopement such as this allowed a couple to escape from the
boundaries placed on them. In 1898, a 15-year-old Fairlee girl ran away with a
Newbury man to be married in Ryegate. A
similar flight caused an Orford couple to trail their daughter and her lover to
St. Johnsbury in 1920. When, in 1903, a prominent Bradford businessman eloped
with a woman, not his wife, it made front-page news.
Sometimes a couple wished to keep their marriage secret. But
it’s hard to keep secrets in a small town. In 1897, one of Orford's "young
townsmen having decided to take unto
himself a wife laid plans to circumvent everyone by bringing home a charming
bride in the middle of the night."
The couple was surprised at 12:45 am by friends, family and a band.
Cohabitation without a license was known as common law
marriage and was recognized by early courts. But in the 1800s, states began to
enact laws expressly to prohibit such legal arrangements. Vermont has never recognized them as legal.
New Hampshire does for probate only, thus recognizing the rights of the
survivor.
By the 1850s, young couples had greater choice in whom to
marry. The Ladies Indispensable
Assistant, published in 1852, suggested the following "preliminaries for
marriage." "According to the
urges of society, it is the custom of the man to propose marriage, and for the
female to refuse or accept the offer as she may think fit. There ought to be
perfect freedom of the will in both parties." It went on to suggest that the man should
seek from her parents or guardians “permission to address her."
It was common in
early marriages for couples to be from the same town or county. The couple was
likely to have known each other for a time, gone to the same church or
school. In our area, that extended
across state lines to adjourning river communities. After the coming of the railroad in the
mid-19th century, one of the two individuals might have come from as far away
as New York, Ohio, or even Texas.
Still, long-distance travel was not common. As a result,
marriage between cousins was not uncommon. Until the mid-19th century, cousin
marriages were legal in most areas. My great grandparents, Ida Rice and Lyman
Randall were married in Windsor, VT, in 1878.
They were first cousins. That
gives an example to the saying that sometimes a guy would "go to family
reunions to pick up girls."
Even as laws were enacted to prevent this practice, they
were not enforced. In 1867, a bill was
introduced in the Vermont Legislature to prevent first cousin marriages. It did not pass. New Hampshire made such marriages illegal in
1902 but grandfathered in those that already existed.
Local marriage between couples of different religions or
races was extremely unusual until the mid-20th century. A bride that broke that
rule might be disowned by her family, a repudiation that might extend to her
children. Growing up Catholic before the
1950s in predominantly Protestant Bradford meant that a young man had few
choices for courting.
Marriages were usually held in the home of the bride or
groom or in the home of the officiant.
Those in attendance were only the most intimate friends and family
members and limited by the size of the house. These weddings have been
described as small, sober, and simple. No doubt, at some weddings, the
self-restraint was washed away by a bit of whiskey or rum. Weddings could be a "season of excess."
Both bride and groom dressed in their finest. While white
bridal gowns became more popular after Queen Victoria wore one in 1840, many
brides continued to wear colorful dresses that could be used for later
occasions. The groom might buy a new suit, expecting to wear it to church and
perhaps even to the grave.
Increasingly, the couple was married in a church. Sometimes
a wedding in an important family was “a principal social event." Among my
New England ancestors, June weddings were the exception. In an agricultural community, there was more
time during winter months for taking time off for a wedding.
But one extravagant June wedding took place in the Bradford
Congregational Church in 1891. The bride was Florence Farnham, the daughter of
ex-Governor Roswell Farnham. An extensive article described the bride who
entered the church, "leaning on the arm of her father, who gave her
away.” The reception was held a few
doors down Main Street at the Farnham home.
Both the wedding and reception sites were elaborately decorated with
arches of flowers and evergreens.
One or more wedding cakes were standard for weddings in all
classes. Many believed that sharing the cake showed hospitality and would lead
to prosperity and fruitfulness.
Often slices of spiced cake were pre-boxed for the guests to
take with them. For a time, local
newspaper editors expected a slice in return for the inclusion of the wedding
announcement. Sometimes, editors were not hesitant to remind readers that no
cake had been presented.
Until the middle of
the 19th century, there was little notice of a post-wedding trip.
Couples often just "went to
housekeeping" in their new home.
Among the Scottish residents of Ryegate, that short trip was accompanied
by a crowd of well-wishers. Depending on the economic means of the groom, it
was not uncommon for the bride to remain in her parents' or employer's home for
a time until a new home could be provided.
By the 1880s, bridal tours to romantic locations were
expected for middle-class couples. Newspaper accounts reported that the happy
couples left by wagon to the local railroad station for a trip to Burlington or
Manchester, or perhaps, even to Montreal or Boston.
After 1910, newspaper accounts sometimes mentioned that the
couple left on their wedding trip by auto.
There were several examples in local columns of trips of up to eight
weeks. But most could not afford that time or the expense. The Groton column
for Dec 7, 1912, reported, "The happy couple took a short wedding trip to
Newbury."
The gifts that couples received, along with the bride's
trousseau of linens and blankets, helped them to establish their home. A
"wedding quilt" and a set of coin silver teaspoons from Bradford's
Hardy Jewelry store were typical. Otherwise, new couples often had few
possessions, to begin with.
During the Great Depression, the number of marriages dropped
significantly as couples were unable to afford to establish a new home. During the first half of the 1940s, with so
many in the service or working in war production, weddings were postponed. If men were going overseas, weddings might be
hurried.
At that time, double rings ceremonies became more frequent,
perhaps to serve as reminders of partnerships during long periods of absence.
The increase in the number of weddings during the post-war years led to the
baby boom. The post-war prosperity was reflected in more of the weddings of the
period.
Following the tradition of posting wedding intension, the
United Opinion printed the announcement along with the photo of the
bride-to-be. A picture of the couple and
a description of their wedding often followed.
While weddings took place year-round, the summer of 1956 brought
many weddings to the area. Two stand out for their similarities. They involve
sets of high school sweethearts, members of the Bradford Academy Classes of
1952 or 1953. The brides were from Piermont and the grooms from Bradford. Their romanceboth survived four years of
college.
Their weddings took place at the Piermont Congregational
Church before at least 100 guests. A
common practice in that small town was for some to attend uninvited. Both
brides and grooms were dressed in the expected outfits of the times, the brides
in white, and the grooms in formal attire. The brides were presented by their
fathers. Each ceremony was followed by a reception at Piermont’s Robbins Inn.
When asked, both brides mentioned that they feel their
nuptial event was one of the social events of Piermont's summer that year and
were representative of the many local weddings at the time. One added that most were "meant to last
and did."
AS a Justice of the Peace, I have officiated scores of
weddings. Those in attendance have
ranged from just the couple alone to hundreds of guests. Some have been quick
to meet an immediate need, whereas many have been elaborately planned. Virtually every couple had been living
together before the ceremony.
As our definition of what constitutes a family has changed,
so have those who asks to be married or choose to ignore the marriage ceremony altogether.
If two individuals are willing to live their lives together, to actually go to
housekeeping together, that’s what really counts.